Before going to Korea, I took a TESOL teaching class to prepare myself, and my teacher was amazing. She talked all about traveling to other countries and learning new cultures, and then she talked about something that I will admit, I didn’t believe. Reverse culture shock.

Now…culture shock makes perfect sense, right? Specifically in countries that are so different from your home country, which Korea was for me. I prepared myself. I learned phrases in Korean. “안녕하세요! Amber 입니다!” I read about the culture, I made Korean friends. I was probably too prepared, because I never had any culture shock there.

The real culture shock happened when I got back to the US. I obviously should have listened to that teacher, but I just didn’t see how going back to your home could be difficult. But it is. You see, I think because you try so hard to fit into another culture, it’s weird to go back. You feel like a foreigner in your own country, and it’s worse than feeling like a foreigner in another country. You think, “No, what’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel this way. This is my home! I don’t understand!”

The first month I was back was brutal. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I barely wanted to see my friends, I was uncomfortable around everyone.

But, I was bored at home. In Korea, I was in a big city with tons of stuff to do at any time of day or night. Then suddenly I was back in Virginia suburbia wondering how I ever survived in such a boring place before. The only place open twenty-four hours is the gas station? What is this madness?

The second month wasn’t easy either. I continued to feel uncomfortable around people. Then, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I felt that my connection to Korea was cut off. He was Korean, and my first love, and my best friend all rolled into one great guy. But it wasn’t working long distance. This threw me into what felt like another reverse culture shock. I didn’t have him to talk to anymore, I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t have many friends in my town, because I was shy in college and knew I was going to Korea, so I didn’t get close to many people. I felt so alone. This continued through Christmas, when my mother came upstairs to bring me the phone so I could talk to my grandma later that evening and found me in tears.

Being in Korea was big for me. I was so shy and awkward and closed before I went, because I had had extreme anxiety for all of middle school and high school and some of college. I felt, when I got back, that all of the change I went through in Korea – becoming more confident, learning to be close to people, falling in love – was for nothing.

I was spiraling.

My imagination, the thing that has helped me as a writer for so many years, was suddenly my worst enemy. This is when being a writer is the worst. I began imagining every horrific, disturbing, irritating, irrational, absurd thing that I had ever heard or seen. I was making myself sick. I was depressed.

But the strange thing about being a writer is that times like these can be great for writing. Obviously, I’d rather not be depressed. But I have been using my writing as a distraction, something positive. I have started a new novel, and I am so thrilled with the characters and have actually be successful when plotting! It’s unprecedented! haha.

The new year arrived at exactly the right time. I’m working at my mom’s office part time, and I am having a good time there, because the people are so nice. I get to be productive and meet new people, so I am feeling better around people again. Not quite normal, because I was a recluse for so many weeks, but better.

Goals for this year include the following.

  • Get a job that I enjoy, preferably one where I help people. Counselor, teacher, human resources.
  • Write novel, edit novel, attempt to publish novel.
  • Try to play violin again. I have signed up for lessons with my teacher from high school, and I am hoping to be able to play in the orchestra in my city.
  • Be more involved at church – Bible study, maybe playing violin sometimes.
  • Get a car.

My biggest goal, though, is to not be so hard on myself and get so upset about everything. I was strong enough to travel to Korea and survive on my own, so I can be happy here, too. I don’t think Korea was for nothing. I think I need to remember that I won’t be perfect and try to relax a bit.

Here’s to 2013.

There will be a post about my new novel soon!