25,000 Words Written

There has been much talk of goals around me of late. I’m typically bothered by it. “You should have goals,” people at work will say – bosses, coworkers with better titles than mine (which are most of my coworkers). “It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have goals,” my mother says – and she is also a coworker with a better title than mine. “Write your goals!” says my father, who prefers a direct approach – which is either refreshing or intimidating, depending on the circumstance.

Yet, I find myself without goals in my professional life. Of course, if you count “making enough money to pay my rent and buy enough food to keep me alive” as a goal, that is mine. I do feel fulfilled by the work I do because I am helping others on a daily basis. But if I sit and think “What is the one thing I want to do?” the answer is always the same. It always has been.

Write. I want to write.

My ultimate dream is to be able to be a full-time writer. I don’t want this to be a dream that is realized because I marry a man who makes enough money for me to quit my job and write full time. I want it to be because I publish something that people want to read and have fun reading.

The problem with this is that people don’t think it is an acceptable dream. In the ever-loving and ever straightforward words of my businessman father – “Write a book? I meant a real  goal, Amber.” (I should mention here that he is always supportive of my writing, he is just terribly practical and well-versed in the difficulties life can throw at you. But you can bet that when I get published one day, he will basically be president of my fan club, carrying around my book and telling people his daughter wrote it. My mom, too. Co-president of my fan club. She is, incidentally, my current biggest fan, and she reads rough drafts of my chapters regularly.)

“So, perhaps I don’t have goals after all.” I began to think this and was disheartened. Then I ran across something kind of great.

One of my favorite YA authors, Marissa Meyer – author of the Lunar Chronicles – recently blogged about a letter she had written to herself when she was twenty-four.

She had written to encourage herself to keep writing, pretending that she was five years older and published. The letter is wonderful and reflects a lot of how I feel these days – at the same age she was when she wrote the letter to herself. It’s a difficult time, starting something that you know is going to be good but that isn’t there yet. It’s hard to keep sight of the end when you don’t know quite when that will be. It’s easy to get discouraged.

At the end of the letter, she included two lists that she made. Motivations for Writing, and Fears that Keep Me from Writing (and ways to work around them).

Using that as an inspiration, I have decided that it isn’t ridiculous to have goals as a writer. Though many might disagree, I don’t think it’s ridiculous that these are the goals that are most important to me. I love my work at my company but I am a writer first and always.

I am going to make my own lists. 25,000 words into my current project seems as good a time as any to reflect.

My Motivations for Writing

1. Telling the stories that these wonderful characters I have dreamed up want told, thereby giving them the respect they deserve by chronicling their adventures.
2. Offering readers the same escape from reality that books always have and always will offer me.
3. To entertain people of all ages with stories of magic and impossible things.
4. To give myself a world to enjoy other than my own (unmagical) one.
5. To improve as a writer and find my own voice.
6. To fulfill my university creative writing professor’s prediction that I am going to be a successful writer – don’t want to let him down!
7. To convey life, love, happiness, sorrow, and fun – and any other possible emotion – the way I see it in the hopes that it allows someone the chance to say “I feel that way, too,” and reminds them that they aren’t alone.

Fears That Keep Me from Writing (and ways to work around them)

1. Self doubt – fear that I have no original ideas or ways of saying things, that I’m just not that good. (Remember that no one is that good in the first draft. Remember that you like writing for the process – and the process includes crappy writing that can be fixed later!)
2. Comparing myself to other writers. (They’re published and you’re not, but that won’t always be the case. Remember that you have the potential to be on those shelves with them, even if you aren’t quite there yet!)
3. Revising before I’m done with the first draft. (Stop being so OCD. The best writing you do comes when you don’t over think. Remember that manic, can’t-stop-this-momentum, worry-about-the-edits-some-other-time free writing produces the most unexpected – and therefore most fun – results.

There we have it. Thank you, Marissa Meyer, and I hope to look back at this in five years when I’m almost thirty and find that some of it has come true!

The Triumphs and Thoughts that this Weekend Brought

My younger brother graduated from college this weekend. Our family is the four of us – Mom, Dad, brother, and me. He is the baby, the last one of our unit to graduate. I couldn’t be more proud of him. He was so successful these past four years at a rather prestigious university. He is going to do great things, I’m sure of it.

Things are changing, as things always do. I remember watching my mother interact with her siblings when I was younger and I couldn’t imagine things being that way. Each sibling has their own life, their own family. They see one another a few times a year – on holidays and special occasions. I couldn’t – and maybe still can’t – imagine this with my brother, probably because he and I are so close. I have a special relationship with him because so many of our interests are similar. We have our own language – as family members like to say. He is my best friend.

And yet, I am watching him talk about applying to jobs in different states. I am realizing that things are moving toward what I saw with my parents growing up. We’re going to be separate, we’re going to have our own lives, and where this scared me before – it doesn’t anymore. I’m actually excited about it. I’m excited to see what he’s going to do, what he’s going to be. He’s an amazing person and I’ve had him for twenty-two years, so it’s only fair I allow the world to see what I’ve seen all along. He’s going to do so much good.

The thing about graduations is that they make me think about my future – whether it’s my graduation or someone else’s. I was always working toward something…always had some kind of goal. Graduate high school…graduate college…go to Korea…get a job back home in the US…

But, then what?

Career-wise, I am in a wonderful place – a better place than I ever imagined. I love what I do and I get paid enough to have my own place and live comfortably. I don’t know what else I could possibly ask for.

Yet, recently, oddly enough, I have been asked by my boss, my father, and a few others about what’s on the horizon. I am baffled by this. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where I want to go in my career because I’m still surprised that I’m twenty-four and doing as well as I am. How could I say I’m thinking about promotions and making more money when I almost feel like any day my boss will wake up and realize she meant to hire someone older and wiser than me?

So for the past several weeks I was wandering around at work thinking I hadn’t a clue what I was going to do about my future…then I realized that I have had a goal all along. I want to get a book published.

Being around those graduates today – all of them full of hope about their future – reminded me that being happy with where I am doesn’t mean I don’t have goals and something to work toward. I have been writing every day and carrying my notebook and taking voice memos with my phone when I’m driving to remind me about any ideas I have for the book. I love my characters and I hope others love them, too. I’m almost 13,000 words into it – tens of thousands to go – but I’m excited about it. I’m living in my fantasy world for the first time since the last book I wrote.

Knowing this is the goal makes work even more fun. I look forward to my writing time all day. I daydream about being able to support myself with my  writing. I am thankful that my parents fostered this creativity and didn’t ever try to tell me I should be focusing on something more practical. My mother is my biggest writing fan and she makes me believe that I really will publish something someday. She reads my stories with great enthusiasm – as though it’s an exciting book she picked up at the store.

This weekend was wonderful. I am a proud big sister, a thankful daughter – happy mother’s day! – and happy to be passionate about my writing.

I anticipate many writing-related posts in the future.